Tips From the (Muddy) Red Carpet

Hipsters, Emo, Country, Rocker, Gangster, Fratty, Sorority Girl, Young Professional, Business Casual, Beach Bum. These are just a few of the styles we can all recognize in 2013. As with all public places, at the barn there are fashion do's and don'ts. Unlike other places, these have arisen out of necessity rather than out of a bored young lady's mind who is trying to make her name famous.

The first look I would like to bring to the table is "Rainy Day Chique." For the top we've got a nice, loose fitting t-shirt. The holes in the armpits and near the bottom middle of the front make this a useful and trendy pick. Humidity is terrible so ventilation is a must. You will notice Rainy Day Chique's jeans have pre-stained dirt streaks running up and down the thighs. No need to worry about a towel, a wash room, or staining the jeans yourself, these jeans have it all for you. A good slip and fall only blends right in with what these jeans already have to offer. Finally, footwear. This gorgeous outfit can be paired with not one, but two different shoe choices. The first is a classic ventilated pair of Crocs. Water might be able to go in but it can also flow right back out. If you've ever thought about a mud bath for your feet this is a choice that blends fashion and usefulness. The other great option is the Rain Boot. Not at all a small shoe, their tell-tale squeak when you walk is highly sought after.

The next look that needs some attention is "Carefree Sunny Day." This gorgeous look includes a brightly colored sports bra paired flawlessly with a paw-print stained tank. Not too loose, and not too tight, this tank is fantastic for showing off those awkward sweat marks that tend to develop after a good ride, stall cleaning, or 90+ degree day. If a ride is in the plans, a tan, stained pair of breeches can compliment the paw-prints that can be found on the tank. If chores are the name of the game some good shorts that show off the beautiful snow white skin of your legs is a must. Either way, be sure to pair both pant options with some grandmother panties so that the lines are quite obvious and visible. Shoes can be left to the wearer's choice. Pair this look with eau de deodorant/horse poo and you've got a finished look that can't be beaten.

Winter fashions should not be swept under the rug just because 7/8 of the year is hot. "Snug Bundles Aplicque" is a carefully planned outfit. Snug Bundles' top consists of many, MANY layers. So much so that with any stimulus, sweat instantly accumulates. The under layers aren't a huge concern other than the fact that you should always start with smallest first and work your way up. The jacket is characterized by being rain proof, thick, reflective, and particularly drab. Nothing says "don't look at me" like a poop brown or camo jacket. Pants are generally fleece lined and not at all warm enough. Shoes include any kind of boot paired with wool socks, preferably knitted by your great grandmother. The positives about cooler weather is accessorizing! Don't forget mittens/gloves that completely inhibit your ability to buckle things such as halters, bridles, and even girths and stall door latches. Ear warming headbands are a fancy invention that keep your head from freezing off. They also make you need a whole new "winter only" helmet because they enlarge your head by inches at a time.

There are many different varieties of each option. Barn fashion is characterized by the freedom to accessorize and adapt which is what so many up-and-coming barn fashionistas love. These looks are guaranteed to attract stares anywhere BUT the barn. Rest assured people are wondering things like, "Where can I get an outfit like that?" and "Who is she wearing? Those grass stains are so tastefully done!" So don't fret when the lady behind you in the grocery line can't look away. That's when you know you've hit it big.

Barefoot is not generally a good option for these styles.