How to Sell a Horse: A Checklist For the Misguided Wannabe "Horse Person"

Ever since my friend Amanda lost her precious Belgian/TB mix Ginger, (see RIP Ginger post) we have been on a Facebook/Craigslist/Internet in general manhunt for a new horse. Ok, I have. She's playing it cool. I'm looking at horses for her, she's looking at horses for fun. Fun is a nice word to use for the jaw dropping stupidity we see on a daily basis in today's so-called horse market, especially in the Bryan/College Station and surrounding areas.

We have, without necessarily meaning to, compiled a short "Selling a Horse for Dummies" list to try and help the well-meaning but ill-knowledged horse person. It is a bulleted list as it tends to make things easier to read (and also I don't like making 2 sentence paragraphs. Thanks 4th grade writing teacher). This list is by far not comprehensive. It is targeted at the 13 year old girls selling their horses on Facebook and for the family who ended up with a horse or 4 in their backyard. Obviously competition horses are going to be differently priced but those horse people seem to know what they're talking about and don't require an idiot-proof list...

• Your flat, baseline price should be at $0. Slaughter houses are not operational at this time in Texas so there is no minimum price for horse meat (meaning you can't say that if this horse doesn't sell, the slaughter house will at least give you X amount of dollars).
• Is your horse a REGISTERED breed other than Quarter Horse, Paint, Arabian, or Thoroughbred? Those breeds, even registered, are a dime a dozen. So let's say you've got a REGISTERED Hannoverian, Knabstrupper, Holsteiner, KWPN, Selle Francais, or something of that nature. Add $600 for pure rarity, breeding, and registration fees. If your horse isn't registered, go look into that. If it can't be registered, add $0 and so far you've got a horse worth $0.
• What does your horse know? Has it just been weaned but has been messed with quite a bit as a youngster (and also, see above rant for this to qualify)? Add $200. Is it a 2-5 year old and green broke with the skill to stop, start, steer, and transition between all three gaits? Add about $400. Give or take some depending on the level of knowledge and training the horse has. Is your horse trained to do a specific job and to do that job well and consistently? This is a hard price range to define. Grand Prix show jumpers and dressage horses have gone for millions (this also factors into account breeding, potential offspring, and several other factors but still, a job is important)? For the sake of discussion we're going to assume you have a horse trained to do schooling shows (and has competed and done well). Add around $2,500. I am talking a horse that I could jump on and, with a little get to know you time, I could take this horse to a show and do well on it within 6 months.
• Is your horse currently in foal? To a well respected stud? Do both the mother and father have papers that you can hand directly to a buyer when they hand you the money? Add $500.
• Can your horse legitimately and safely carry a child/beginner around? Before you answer that question, I mean with a saddle, bridle, and no leadrope attached to an adult that the horse is scared to death of. "Kid Broke" seems to mean to most people that they used their 6 yr old daughter as a guinea pig once when they were out in the pasture and found out that their 1 year old horse doesn't buck when a 20 pound child sits on it screaming. If it's this kind of broke add absolutely nothing. $0. What it should mean is that if my lesson student yanks on the reins and kicks the horse in the side at the same time, your horse will read between the lines and trot slowly forward. It should mean that if they lose their balance, the horse will stop, not run. It should mean that leaves, dogs, cats, lunge whips, screaming moms, water bottles, and a calf will not phase this horse in the least. IF this is your horse, add $1000. $1500 if that same horse is suitable for an advanced rider and won't bore them out of their mind.

Now for the list of things that do NOT add value to your horse... If you didn't read the list above, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE, for everyone reading your ad's sake, read this one.

• Color doesn't matter. I don't care if your pony mare is paint and all of her splotches are in the perfect shape of a star. I don't care if you invented a new zebra stripe color or if your horse is completely pink. I mean I don't want a chestnut horse, but if I find one that will do the job in my price range, the fact that it's chestnut will not deter me from trying it out. Let me say this again, color doesn't matter. And neither do markings for that matter.
• Photoshopped ads do not up the value of your horse. Don't pay someone to make one. If you can do it, have fun. If someone tells you they can get you an extra $500 for your horse it's probably because they're better at writing ads than you, not because they can do a drop shadow around the outside of your photo.
• It seems like common sense, but if you can't spell or don't know a lot about horses, don't write the ad. You may not ever sell your horse if you spell lunge "lounge" and if you have a 15.8 hand horse. If your horse has "no bade habbits" and "trots real good" please let your kid proof read your ad. They're probably a lot closer to the part of school where they learn vocabulary and grammar than you are. Some helpful hints: your 2 year old horse is not "broke broke", hands are measured in 4 inch intervals (15, 15.1, 15.2, 15.3, then 16), and a picture of your screaming child sitting atop a horse, bareback with you holding the horse by the halter does not prove to anybody that your horse is kid safe. It does leave us with some questions about your parenting styles though.
• Some exotic mix of horse breeds does not make your horse worth more money. Stop trying to make the "sporthorse" work. Basically, the horse is lucky it came out with straight legs and semi well put together. But I dare you to breed its parents together again. The well proportioned horse that stands in front of you is pure luck. The next baby will have a retardedly short neck, long legs, a short back, and a draft horse head. Breeds have been developed through years and years of careful research. Just because you have a pretty stallion with a long mane and tail and a mare that you have to have a baby out of because she took you through pony club does not mean they should hook up. In fact, it never ever means that.
• On the same note, a draft horse is not instantly worth an extra grand. Ever. Please see first bullet point WAAAAAAAYYYYY up at the top. There are no slaughter houses. The only way your horse is worth more than a regular horse is if you get paid per pound. That isn't an option right now so get down off of both your literal and proverbial high horse and realize that all you have is a horse that eats twice as much and requires special tack, trailer, and living quarters. 
• A poorly made video may actually make people run screaming from your horse. Make sure your horse knows what your ad says it knows. Make sure the rider in the video has a solid leg and seat and can make the horse do everything it can do. Make sure the ring your riding in sends the best message to potential buyers (don't advertise a grand prix jumper and then be riding in a field with holes and tiny Xs).
• The last, and final one, that no one seems to understand no matter what is that LOVE DOESN'T MAKE THE HORSE'S VALUE GO UP! Love doesn't make your grade bay filly worth $1500. Love doesn't make your chestnut TB gelding who knows how to w/t/c worth $4k. Love doesn't make your 24 year old seasoned but retired barrel racer worth $15k if they aren't useable (but it does make you a complete tool for selling it). Please be able to look at your horse objectively. And if you can't, realize that and have someone else do it for you. Honestly, think how it looks to a buyer: "For sale, 4 year old Morgan/Percheron mare. Green broke. Not quite cantering. Still working on steering. $4500." Come on guys.

I know this rant is probably not going to reach the Bryan/College Station area that inspired it, but it's off my chest. Someone needs to really write a "Selling Horses for Dummies" book. I'll think on that. Till then I will just scroll by the horses that are 2 year old, money winning, kid broke Arabian race horses and send the 13.2 hand, paint colored Clydesdale for $10k ads to Amanda so we can both get a good laugh.