Game: Life - Mode: Zen - Level: 1

I am full to bursting with massive amounts of toxic anxiety. Until recently, it has defined the person I was. It seeped into every aspect of my life including work, relationships, and goals. Without knowing it, I allowed it to tell me who I was and how far I could go. If you've ever suffered from anxiety, it doesn't let you get very far.

The "what-ifs" pull at you, dragging you backwards, or at least holding you still, as you attempt to make any forward progress. As a kid, I let the anxiety tell me I wasn't great at playing basketball and I never could be, because I wasn't the coach's daughter. As a teenager I let it tell me that I could never win a horse show, and I was lucky just to finish, because my horse wasn't a Warmblood and only cost in the low 4 figures. As an adult, I let it suck me into terrible relationships, I let it make me give up on my dreams, and I let it lead me into a job that caused me to be a miserable person.

Recently I discovered that there is a non-narcissistic alternative to negative self-talk, and that is positive self-talk. Panda and I have been doing so well as a team, but I was scared to allow myself to think that it was anything other than the stars aligning, or the cards being in our favor. That never stopped me from working my butt off, but I have always been very hesitant to blame good things on myself.

This year has been a journey for me as far as bettering myself as a person. Slowly but surely, I believe I am on the road to personal success. I say personal success here for 2 reasons. The first is that everyone has their own version of success, and mine may not get the main stream stamp of approval, but that's not my desire. The second is that I have been chasing my parent's approval of success. Come to realize that I failed miserably at that the day I got kicked out of the BIMS program at A&M and realized I didn't have good enough grades to be a veterinarian (or, at that time, even a custodian).

Negative self talk is a serial killer. It haunts you, and stalks you, and never gives up until every last one of your goals and dreams lay dead or dying before you. It is a disease, where the only cure is personal strength, which is really hard to find in the sea of negativity you are used to swimming in. I have made small daily steps to, at the very least, swim toward my personal strength and stick a life jacket on it. This has been such a hard thing but it has been monumentally redefining in my life.

I have begun to recognize negativity in my life and cut it out completely. Whether it is people, TV shows, activities, whatever it is, it's got to go. That alone has made a massive difference in my life. Panda is at a new barn where we can focus on ourselves and not be presented with the opportunity to make excuses. I have surrounded myself with like-minded people and put myself in situations where I have the opportunity to learn, grow, make connections, and meet new people.

Another step I have taken is to start my own business, Warm Up Ring Bling. I have had plenty of good ideas in the past with no follow through. I have decided that whether this business makes me a million dollars or a single dollar, I will be more happy because I tried it than I would wondering what would happen if I tried. I have also not thrown a pity party that on day one I had no orders. I am exercising both patience and perseverance. I believe in my products and that people will want them. But I am not standing idly by. Marketing, marketing, marketing!

Panda modeling his ear bonnet for Warm Up Ring Bling's advertising!

I have also started a GoFundMe account that is very outside of my comfort zone. I am not normally one to ask for help, but I decided that why not? What do I have to lose? Literally NOT A THING! This allows me to share my story with tons of people across the internet, as well as allowing my extended and far away family to possibly be a part of this huge event in my life.

I am not sharing this to brag. Believe me, I have misgivings. Being a little bitty working student in College Station, TX, running a business on Facebook from my living room, riding my cheap horse in beginner novice, and bar tending on the weekends definitely doesn't have "rich and famous super star" written all over it. It kind of almost has, "next step; parent's basement" engraved deeply into it.

But that's the thing. Same life, different internal voice, and I kind of feel like maybe I'm getting somewhere. Maybe I'm finally doing the right thing. I'm happy. I have food on my plate, 3 animals that aren't hungry, clothes, a computer, an account on file at Dover, and today my truck even got an oil change! Well dang, that's looking pretty awesome to me!

I'm finding out that if you don't believe in yourself, no one else is going to. It's ok to be GOOD at things and it's ok that good things are your fault. If you don't make good decisions for yourself you may end up being used for all you've got to offer. Give. But also take. Take time for yourself; to tell yourself you're doing a good job, or encourage yourself to do better. As much as I like to preach about hard work, it's true! But it doesn't work without you believing in yourself. If you just randomly do a lot of hard work, you paint a barn but still can't ride a horse. Work hard at things that will improve yourself as a person and a rider.

Say thank you to compliments and don't make excuses about how it's all just luck. It isn't. Luck doesn't really exist. Believe me, I've wished on a lot of shooting stars, picked up a lot of pennies (heads and tails up), and had far too many black cats cross my path with mixed results to believe in it. Be positive. Be ready to take advantage of opportunities that are presented to you. Be ready to make changes. Remember, when one door closes, another door opens.

Working Hard or Hardly Working

I am not planning to talk about how awful or hard or unfair it is to be a working student because if I did that I think that would prove I've learned nothing. Being a working student is a lot of things. It is hard. It is fun. It is fulfilling. It is an amazing opportunity for growth. And it is not for everyone. I have never been a working student prior to this experience but I know for a fact I do not have it anywhere near as hard as some people pursuing the working student path to success. I have been blessed with an amazing opportunity to work with a trainer/rider/coach who understands the person I am and can see the potential within me, but better yet, she knows how to get all of that out of me.

As a working student I have learned more than I thought was humanly possible. This knowledge has made me realize that not only DID I not know anything, but what I now know is but a drop in the vast ocean that is horse riding, training, nutrition, and care. The more I have learned, the more I know that there are things that exist that I know nothing about and the endless cycle continues. Aside from sailing over a big jump, it is the most exciting and terrifying feeling I have ever known. I feel both that I am more prepared than I ever was at the start of my journey to own my own business, and also that I will never in a million years of experience be able to think about owning my own business. And neither of those feelings is in any way related to the money.

I have had the pleasure to work with green horses, young horses, highly trained horses, a yearling, stallions, spooky horses, jumpers, hunters, eventers, Thoroughbreds, Warmbloods, ponies, giant horses, hot horses, dead heads, pregnant mares, and everything in between. Every experience is a new one that, as my trainer says, "adds another wrench to my toolbox." Meaning that every experience you have makes you more able to solve problems and correct issues you will eventually be confronted with. But every horse is also an individual and will always throw something new at you. This is why it is so crucial to be a working student and watch training actually happen. To encounter as many horses as you can and learn as many things as you can so you are best equipped to be out on your own, one day, when you decide to spread your wings.

A day for me is relatively straight forward. Do all the things. Feed, water, hay, muck stalls, add shavings, tack up horses, watch them being ridden, bathe horses, fly spray, clean tack, sweep, rake, and anything else that needs to get done. It isn't crazy, It isn't really a long list. But it is all important. If I have learned nothing else (but believe me I have learned a lot of other things), it is that you have to take care. It's hard to explain in 2 little words. It is more than that but just that at the same time. Take care of the horses. Take care of the tack. Take care of the facility. Take care that you are paying attention and that things are done right. Take care that your words and actions are above reproach. Even those things don't help me sum it up.

Horses come to the barn and they are beautiful, because they are horses. They leave the barn and they are whole. Not just because they are trained, but because they are taken care of. Mentally, physically, emotionally, inside and out. They are taken care of. There are no short cuts because short cuts produce results sometimes, but doing it right produces results every time.

Horses don't really come to us abused and neglected with a sob story about their past. Most of them come from barns that are nicer than my house and cost more per month. They are eating top quality feed and hay. They have saddles that fit them like a glove. Most are happy. And yet there is a transformation. It's not a miracle.

I will not talk about how awful life is and how I am a slave. Everything I have learned or am asked to do has a purpose. There is a reason for everything. From the way the stalls are cleaned to the layout of the entire barn there is a reason. If you go about training horses or even caring for them by the seat of your pants I think you'll get far enough. But if you have a plan, a routine, a schedule, a goal and a vision, you will get so much farther. This is why being a working student is important. Seeing how a program works, or does not work, is so important. Watching horse after horse after horse go from a regular old horse to a glowing, confident animal might get you thinking it's more than just luck. The time you spend grooming, and lunging, and hosing, and treating, and cleaning all culminates into the beautiful, amazing animal that leaves when it is time.

It is never too late. You can be a working student. Find a reputable (key word here) trainer and learn as much as you can. Work HARD. Do as much as you can and then a little more because there's always a little more you can do. Have fun. If you do something wrong, it's ok, you're human and accidents happen. Just do it better next time. Sweat, cry, laugh, and enjoy. Then the hard work doesn't feel so much like work anymore. You'll be in awe of what you don't know. And if you're not, you're doing it all wrong.

AEC Bound

As I mentioned in my last post, Panda and I have qualified for the AECs!!! That is the American Eventing Championships, if you're not familiar with the acronym. I am so excited I can hardly stand it! The AECs will be held this year in Tyler, TX at the lovely Texas Rose Horse Park. It happens from Thursday September 24 through Sunday September 27. We have the hotel room booked and I have started a GoFundMe campaign to help send us there! We will also be competing with new friends of ours on an adult team for the Adult Team Challenge.

To qualify for the AECs at the beginner novice level you must place 5th or higher at any 2 recognized events with no cross country jumping penalties. To qualify for the Adult Team Challenge you must have completed 3 recognized events with no cross country jumping penalties.

This seems pretty straight forward. I've never placed below 7th at any event I've been to and I'd been doing quite well in the schooling shows, even winning 2 of them! Not a bad track record for our first year out. Our first speed bump was that the decision to qualify for the AECs was made in February of this year. This gave me relatively little time to get the qualifications because the qualifying period started in July 2014 and only goes till September 15 of this year. Recognized shows don't happen every weekend and we missed a lot of good ones in the fall season. On top of that they are much more expensive than little schooling shows, with a lot stiffer competition.

So with our sights set on trying our best to even just make it to the AECs, I formulated a plan. Pine Hill in April, Texas Rose in June, Corona Del Sol in August. At this point you may be thinking, slow down just a gosh darn minute! I thought you needed two shows with a 5th place or higher. Why would you only put 3 shows on your calendar? Great question! I wasn't really thinking about it that way at first. I needed to step down off my high horse and realize that in no way am I ever guaranteed a top 5 finish, especially not at a show where everyone comes with their guns out ready to smash out their best test ever. Oh, not to mention I get a big case of pre-show nerves just on the drive to the show, and I'll be showing places I've never been before. All of these things are reasons we decided I should try to qualify for the AECs, but all of these things also have the potential to get in my head and make me perform at less than my best.

So, as they often do, plans changed. In March I got my tax return and decided it was off to Texas Rose we go! Fancy clothes, check. Fancy pony, check. Truck and trailer, check. I decided to put even more pressure on myself before this show by making Panda homeless. We had moved out of our other barn but hadn't quite moved into our new barn so he was living at our trainer's barn for a week of pre-show boot camp while his stuff was living... a little bit of everywhere. My trailer doesn't have a tack room so tack lived in my car, at home, in the storage unit, outside his temporary stall, and even some things, in the horse part of the trailer. So off to Texas Rose we head. And I really mean we. The whole gang was along for the ride, boyfriend, dogs, pony, every bit of tack I owned.

The drive was easy; few turns, not much traffic, got to stop at Buccee's. The facility was absolutely to die for with the big barns, rolling hills, lovely arenas, and people everywhere. Within 3 hours of arriving there had already been tears at least twice; once trying to coordinate with my trainers about course walks and warm up rides, and then the fact that there wasn't a hose at the wash racks (no worries, my middle name is over prepared). Without a complete blow by blow, I was really excited to find that I had every piece of equipment I needed and more. I also realized how heavily I struggle with show nerves and that the pressure I put on myself is enormous. We had a lot of fun. I bawled my eyes out after dressage for no particular reason and found out how proud my dressage coach is of me (I was almost done crying and then that made me cry all over again!). I had 2 really tumultuous jump warm ups. Luckily Panda is a cross country machine and told me to get out of his way while he did his job. Unluckily I had placed the fear of God in myself over a particularly colorful jump in stadium at which I basically stopped panda and then asked him to jump, which he did, but took a rail down with him. That rail was the thing that stopped us from getting 5th and ended us in 7th. But boy was it a learning experience! I will forever be glad of the decision I made to take my trainers' advice and go outside my comfort zone.


The only picture of Panda and I at Texas Rose

All of the stress and anxiety I experienced at Texas Rose made my next show, Pine Hill, feel like a walk in the park! My friend Jen went with me and took her horse Bam so that made it even more fun, although her weekend ended less successfully than mine. Pine Hill runs their shows all in one day, unlike most other recognized shows, which run over 2 or 3 days. So while Pine Hill had it's own special kind of stress, it has been our home for so long that I felt pretty calm and cool compared to the inner tension I felt at Texas Rose. We scored a 29 in dressage which was quite exciting indeed. Our stadium round was solid. But it was our cross country round that really made me realize how much of a beast Panda is. We were held at jump 3 due to a rider falling on course. I was a little nervous about how Panda would take the pause in the action, but when we were told to continue he had a "Let me at 'em" attitude. A few jumps were the same as last year's course so when we got to those he tried to go on the old track. I couldn't believe he remembered it! His crowning achievement of that weekend was jumping the coal train car. It was a jump built to look like a coal train car with coal rock and everything. We had never schooled it, and a large crowd had gathered in the field because it was claiming quite a lot of victims. I remember breaking out into the field and knowing we were a jump away from it and just thinking in my head, "we are going to jump this if it is the last thing I do." I gritted my teeth and headed straight for it and panda sailed right over it without batting an eye. The whole crowd erupted into a cheer as we galloped off to complete the course and I had the biggest smile on my face for the rest of the ride. Good man Panda poo. We placed third overall.

Panda not liking his sleazy at Pine Hill

Next we went to Corona, in May. Corona is in Baird, TX which is near Abilene. That was a 4.5 hour drive and was exactly the opposite of Texas Rose. No one came with me. Not even a trainer. I brought a tent and I was ready to camp out and tackle this show alone. Or so I thought. But life with Panda cannot be drama free. On the way to the show I gave him hay in his hay net on the trailer. When we got to the show his eye was weepy and slightly swollen and I saw some hay in it so I got the hay out and hopped on for a hack. When I got off the eye was more swollen, still weeping, and I saw more hay. As I was digging around in it I kept seeing more and more hay. There was like a whole flake of hay in his dang eye! Any hopes I had about making it to Texas Rose again in June were dashed as we called the vet out to the barn on a Friday, after hours... Our immediate show hopes were hanging in the balance because he might need to be sedated and he will definitely need drugs (there are some drugs and some doses that are not allowed to be given within a certain time frame of a show). Luckily the vet lived close and the show organizer was very knowledgeable. She called the USEA and got all the information the vet needed about what Panda was and was not allowed to have just 16 hours before his dressage round. No sedation was necessary, all the hay was removed from his eye, I immediately went and bought him a fly mask for the ride home, and by morning his eye was not weeping or swollen!

Panda after seeing the vet and getting some Banamine

Aside from being known as the girl who was sitting on a rock crying while waiting for the vet, I had a wonderful time. I made a lot of new friends and developed a lot of self confidence. I also walked the cross country course 6 times because the first 3 times I got lost. We put in our best dressage score to date, a 27.8. We dropped a rail in stadium because I made a dumb decision not to fix his lead and he cross cantered up to jump 2. Apparently some sort of demon was chasing us (me) during cross country because we came in 1 minute and 7 seconds UNDER optimum time which gave us 5.4 time faults. Oops. I was wearing my watch and everything, I was just too preoccupied with not getting lost and Panda did not understand the twists and turns of the course so I had to keep convincing him to let me steer. We ended in third at this show too, behind 2 of our new friends!

New friends and a great time

With those 3 shows under our belts I feel more prepared than I thought I would to compete at the AECs. I can't believe I qualified in such a short time. I left room for more shows if necessary (this weekend is another TX Rose show, a few weeks from now is another Corona show, and in August there's ANOTHER Corona Show) but I am completely blown away at how well Panda has been able to do. I feel that I am working really hard and I feel that he is a perfect partner for me, but for our results to prove that time and time again is mind boggling to me. I'm so used to coming from the hunters where everything is so political. I feel like I'm living in a dream, my own dream! We will be shooting for another run before the AECs and several more schooling days. Stay tuned. Panda and I are officially on the #roadtotheaecs.

Please go check out our GoFundMe page for information on how to help us achieve this monumental goal. It is expensive to enter and travel to these shows and any little bit helps. We've already gotten $100 toward our goal through GoFundMe and another $250 private donation. I am offering rewards for different levels of help. Stay tuned for more on our never ending journey!

Appearances Do Matter - And the Thought Doesn't Count

Woo. Been awhile. Again.

In my quest to become a better person this year I have done A LOT of things. In personal growth I have begun stretching, meditating, working out, eating healthier, cooking more, saving money, become less negative, and become more financially responsible. With the horses I have moved barns, competed at the Novice level, found Marvel a loving home, been to 3 new venues, taken some clinics, made new friends, started a small business selling hand painted brushes and hand made ear bonnets, and QUALIFIED FOR THE AECs!!!! It's been a busy year and it's not even halfway over. If I could pause for a moment and think over what I have already accomplished this year I would definitely be very proud of myself. All of that being said, blogging once a week is next on my personal growth list.

All of that is wonderful but has next to nothing to do with what I wanted to write about today. So let's get started.

My boyfriend plays softball. No offense to anyone on his team, they are all individually great players, but dang it if they cannot pull out a win by working together to save their lives this past season. They were literally in last place going into their tournament, had several weeks off with all this rain, and had to play a qualifying game to even make it into the real tournament. So when I decided I wanted to go watch the tournament, forgive me if I wasn't expecting to be sitting down to a consolation dinner mere hours after it had started.

So there I was. At the first game. 6:15. The boys have jerseys so they look like a team, but no one wears baseball pants, or batting gloves, or sweat bands, or a sticker that says, "I'm really awesome at softball and I'm gonna knock most of my hits to the fence between the 2 center fielders." So as our team took the field I was watching as all manner of guys strutted out to bat. Some were wearing under armor from head to foot, some had sweat bands on their arms, lots wore batting gloves, most had cleats on, several were wearing sunglasses, and a few had on baseball pants. My plans for dinner by 7:30 were looking more and more promising!

I watched as guy after guy popped fly balls straight to our outfielders. But it didn't matter, I was still impressed. "Must've just been a bad hit, everyone has those," I thought to myself. And then some skinny guy in basketball shorts and a college t-shirt comes out and hits 2 in and gets himself on second and I am thinking, "Lucky hit dude." Of course, this all got me thinking about my year, and my general philosophy on ponies, as well as my motivation to have all of the things.

I am a little over zealous in my perceived need to have what everyone else has. I think that stems from too much sharing as a young child (hahaha?) and the new found ability to save money for the things I want. There are 2 items in particular I can think about really wanting last year, that I got, and I am SO happy about. The first one was a 5-point breast plate. No, my saddle doesn't slide down Panda's back, yes a regular old running martingale would absolutely work, but I don't care. Everyone else has one. I MUST HAVE THE THING WITH THE FUZZ ON THE SHOULDERS!!! The second was a skull cap. I don't know why my beautiful (and expensive) IRH helmet wouldn't work for all 3 phases of an event, but by golly it would not. I want the helmet where the visor does literally no good in blocking out the sun and makes you look like your 7 and roller blading for the first time. PUT IT ON MY HEAD!

We could talk about the lists of things I decided I need for days. White breeches, a name plate for Panda's leather halter, OTTB saddle pad and matching fly bonnet, more fly bonnets, more saddle pads, a set of show brushes, a certain kind of shampoo, different splint boots than the ones I already have, leather half chaps, blah blah blah.

Hey! There are all those things I wanted!

We can also discuss the real reason behind wanting those things, and my lack of self control or the ability to feel content with what I have but I think there is something to the reason I want some of those things. I don't care who you are, who you train with, how much you paid for your horse, or what kind of trailer you showed up in. But when I see a beautifully groomed horse, with clean tack, that fits properly, that is 100% appropriate for the phase of the event that we are in, with a rider that looks the part, I count them as competition. Or I pay extra attention to their round. Just like those guys wearing under armor and batting gloves. Both of them may still totally suck. You absolutely cannot buy the ability to ride or hit a ball well. But you've got the benefit of the doubt from me, and probably most other people. I want to look the part! I want people to see Panda and I, and take a small note in their head that I'm someone to watch out for. As much as I'd like to think they don't, appearances really do matter.

But on that note, thoughts don't count. You can't buy all that stuff and then just think about going out and possibly practicing your dressage test. Or think about putting up gymnastics and then just decide to jump a few crossrails. That won't get you anywhere. You can have all the money in the whole entire world and all the stuff to go along with it, but if all you do is half heartedly think about riding, you'll be one of those guys that pops a fly to right center every time he steps up to bat. You might get the benefit of the doubt a few times, but pretty soon we'll start counting you out the minute you step out of the dugout.

Panda and I after our best dressage round to date

So in all my over zealous, misconstrued perception of need, I have to remember that nothing replaces hard work. No Treadstep Ireland boot is going to keep my heels down for me and no $5,000 saddle is going to keep me in the tack 100% of the time. Look the part, but also BE the part. Don't just think and wish and want, do.

PS. Our boys won the whole softball tournament. No batting gloves and all.

What's in a year?

SO much has happened in a relatively short amount of time. Cash is now owned by a 9 year old girl who loves him to death. He took her to a show just 2 weekends ago, and although he was a little spooky, he was an awesome little show pony.

Marvel is being leased by another little girl. I love him dearly and don't think I could ever let him go, however when reality hits, it hits hard and fast and doesn't listen to emotions. By this I mean that although every last hope and dream I had were pinned on him, through lots of learning experiences I have come to realize those hopes and dreams weren't logical. Marvel has crooked front legs. He loves to jump, he has an excellent brain, and beautiful gates. But his front legs are crooked. He will, or better yet should, never be my training level packer. I want him to live a long healthy life in as little pain as possible and it's just not right to jump him big on those legs. But what he can do is teach other people the beauty and fun of lower level eventing! He is very soft mouthed, can come on the bit, jump up to 2'9", and travel while keeping his sanity. He's perfect for the girls who want to know what eventing is all about and are maybe looking for their own pony and need one to ride in the mean time. He's big and beautiful and gentle, although still sometimes green. He's perfect. I will always see him that way. The reality is that he isn't though.

So that brings us to Panda. Mr. Pandamonium. The horse that wouldn't load on the trailer. The horse I was advised to sell as soon as humanly possible. The mean horse. The horse that didn't know that kicking with the leg means go forward. He came August 2013. We began dressage lessons February 2014. We began cross country/jumping lessons around May. So it's safe to say we haven't even been doing this a year.

Panda went from not know what going forward meant to being able to do a turn on the forehand, leg yield, pick up both canter leads, and come on the bit at the walk and trot. The canter is well on its way to being balanced and beautiful which is a long stretch from the jumbled mess we started with. We are headed to ride with Debbie Bowman in 10 days!

I went from feeling pretty confident I could train Panda to jump to realizing I absolutely could make him pop over any cross rail in our jump field but not correctly and to no specific end. At our first cross country schooling we trotted itty bitty logs on the ground because our canter was atrocious and dangerous over solid obstacles. In June we competed at the Beginner Novice level and came in 3rd place. In October we compete at the same level at the same venue and came in first! Yesterday we schooled almost a whole novice course and even did some training level obstacles. If our canter continues to improve, we will be ready for regular old Novice near the beginning of next year!

We've ridden with Joe Meyer and we are about to ride with him again. We are going to ride with Buck Davidson in December after our 3rd beginner novice run the weekend before the clinic. We have Doug Payne on the schedule for January. I am so proud of how well he is learning and how incredible he is doing.

Panda and I completing our first place dressage
round at Pine Hill in October.

Our successes have not been without some failures. Panda sliced his eye lid in half on a metal hook one evening that almost made our October show a scratch instead of a 1st place finish. Shortly after that accident Panda also developed what can only be described as roaring. We have yet to get him scoped as he has progressively gotten better but it is on our list of things to do. Some days it seems like you take 4 steps backwards. Some weeks it rains so hard our arenas are washed out for over a week. Marvel is still fighting his white line disease but with his handmade shoes he has been doing very well.

If I have learned anything at all since the last time I've written a blog it's that you can't do it on your own. Not just you or me personally. No one can do it on their own. I've seen my trainers go through ups and downs and that is extremely encouraging. They are real people too and it doesn't always go according to plan. And that's ok. A huge part of working with horses is using common sense and problem solving skills because a horse will throw something at you that you've never seen before. Ever. And neither has anyone else. You have to think like a horse sometimes and also keep your fingers crossed a lot.

I would never have been able to get Panda this far this fast if it weren't for the help and encouragement of the people around me. I wouldn't have to guts to ride when I don't feel good, or when the most recent 20 degree temperatures blew through, or if I feel too busy, or if I want to do other things. If you want to achieve your goals you just need to get out there and do it! It's hard at first but it gets easier. Ride. Practice. Make a plan. Don't take yourself too seriously because your horse sure doesn't. I'm only at the puny beginner novice level so I am probably not a huge inspiration but in literally less than a year of even being involved in this sport I have learned so much more than I ever thought was possible. I have been humbled again and again by the vast amount of things there are to know and learn. Every day I am challenged to try something new or learn something different. I am loving it. I think I will be an eventer forever!

Stay tuned for our next post, a crazy recap of what it has been like thus far to be a working student at Denali Sport Horses!

We Are Sorry

It's been awhile. I will fall victim to procrastination, boredom, lack of motivation, pure laziness, etc. I am sorry. Until I get paid for this blog (which will probably never happen and has never been the goal at any point anyway), I will not have enough regular time in my life, or enough extra brainpower, to sit down and write clever blogs. But the posts will come in waves, that you can count on.

I have been having so much fun and success with my boys and so many updates to share, but I have been sick for 2 weeks and had an epiphany that moved me to write this particular post, which I feel is extremely necessary. I used to be a "poet" of sorts and I've always been better writing than speaking so this is to Brandon. Not just him, but every horsey husband/boyfriend/friend/family member of every horse person I know. We are sorry. (Before you think this is too mushy or emotional, it was brought on by the monumental occasion that is me showering.)



I know it shouldn't be a miracle that I decided to take a shower today
And I know I shouldn't keep a memo on the opening screen of my phone apologizing to the paramedic that has to cart me to the ER about my luxurious leg hair
I know hands aren't supposed change colors after you wash them and hay should not be a normal thing to pull out of the lint catcher on the dryer

I'm sorry that I am too tired to make dinner but my boots are always polished and waiting by the front door
I'm sorry that I'm too cold to drag myself to the grocery store but not too cold to go feed the horses in the dark and windy morning
I'm sorry that I can't remember to drag the trash can to the front of the driveway but I have it marked on my calendar the day each horse's stall needs to be stripped
I'm sorry I'm scared of cockroaches but not getting on my student's bucking pony

I don't know anything about the racial or political implications of Kim Kardashian's latest semi nude photo shoot on the cover of a magazine I've never even heard of but I can tell you the breed, age, height, diet, turnout schedule, current and potential abilities and favorite treat of every horse at the barn
I don't know anything about tire pressure, oil changing, or that rattling noise that just started in the front-ish part of my car but I know the make, model and color of every vehicle that belongs to every person that belongs at the barn

My awesome boyfriend and cheerleader.
And dog watcher...

I'm sorry I never have any money and yet mysterious, fairly large boxes keep showing up at the house
I know more about the latest imported show jumping stallion than I do about Obama's stance on pretty much anything
I have a first aid box of everything short of surgical gear for the horses but not even so much as Tylenol at home
I go to a nice dinner in my best, least stained breeches because jeans feel constricting (and also that leg hair really sits better in breeches...)
I know a good deal on hay and how much farm land should cost but I couldn't tell you a good price on milk

My tack room is more organized than the kitchen
There's more dirt on the floor of the house than in my horse's stall
My horse is cleaner than I am 85% of the time
The only time I will buy new clothes is when my breeches get a hole in them or someone buys me a gift certificate to a clothing store
My grasp of hair and makeup artistry didn't develop past 1st grade
I will be home eventually

And these are the things you didn't know when you met us. But you know now. And we are so thankful you've stuck it out this long! There's no girl like a horse girl and there's no changing us anyway.

Stay tuned for an update on all my adventures! I'm back. For now. :)

It Ain't Easy Being Green

I think a major theme we can all pin point from my blog posts is my uncanny ability to be jealous of one thing or another. From the value of the horses I ride, to the amount of money I currently have in my bank account, to the tack I can (or more importantly, CANNOT) afford. Please don't get me wrong, I am way happy living this "horse poor" lifestyle, but the future is so far away, and so is all that STUFF. I am green with envy about my green horses and my lack of green backs!

I was sitting around one freezing cold day watching one of the many Grand Prixs from Florida and just getting bitter when I decided to write this post. How do all of those people have all that money to show all the time? Where did they get those horses? How do I get there? I was musing about the fancy houses and trailers and dozens of Ariat Monaccos they've got lined up in their closets just waiting to be used in yet another huge jumper class. I imagined what their beautiful barns with shining perfectly muscled horses must look like and how many saddles they must have in their dehumidified, perfectly climate controlled tack rooms. Let me tell you, I was SO jealous.

But then I thought of my own life only a little over a year ago. Horseless, with a decent paying job, a second job, and plenty of free time. I was miserable. Working 8-5, coming home to eat a sandwich (alone), clean a bit, and take a walk with my dogs was my every day. I love my dogs. LOVE them. But I was born and bred to be a horse lady (although where those genes came from, no one could quite tell you).

So instead of being jealous, perhaps, I thought, I can make a plan. But how often do I make plans? Only every day of my life! I want to ride in that show. I want to own a horse like that. I want to have that truck and trailer. I want to have that saddle. WAIT! Those aren't plans! Those are dreams. Dreams are awesome. Plans are what gets you to those dreams. What I've been missing this whole time is a legitimate plan. Which is SO strange because if you enter my house and take more than a half second to look around you'll find lists upon lists upon lists. So right now my goal for Spring Break is to make a plan. It's gonna be loooooooong, because Rome wasn't built in a day, and if you find a horse for $700 today, it probably isn't going to be ready for the 1.4 m jumpers tomorrow.

Which leads me to my next portion of this play on words. It really isn't easy being green when it pertains to having untrained horses at a new barn trying to go it more alone than you ever have been before. Sometimes I attempt to ride a nice 3 stride line and Marvel can't figure out what a straight line is. Or I attempt to ask Cash to pick up his right lead and he decides he would rather get all worked up and nervous than relax and settle down into what I am asking him to do. Or Panda has a fabulous dressage lesson and then we have to canter a 20 meter circle and he almost impales himself on the chute the cattle come out of (because no, we don't have a dressage arena right now). And sometimes I am ok with all of those things and have the patience to deal with it. And sometimes I have deadlines in my head that we need to meet and we are all falling miserably short. So I get jealous again of all the made horses without giving any thought to how long it took them to get that way.

It's hard to have dreams and not get down on yourself sometimes. It's hard to make plans when you realize how long it will take you to really accomplish those dreams. Sometimes it seems impossible. Sometimes writing it down SUCKS. There are days when I've saved my money to make a purchase, I make that purchase and I am ecstatic and then 5 minutes later the reality of bills comes crashing down on me and I get depressed. There are days when I feel like I was just at the feed store yesterday, why do we need more hay?

I guess I just want to use this post as a challenge to myself and to everyone else out there who feels like it's not going to happen for them. At the barn we have a running joke that we all wish we were tennis players, or swimmers, or gymnasts, or knitted. ANYTHING but horses. But for those of us who were born with the horse bug running through our veins, there aren't any other options. I still don't know exactly how far I want to go but I need to make a plan. And I also need to understand plans change so they need to be flexible. It's ok to be jealous if you use those feelings to fuel your fire instead of using them to let you get depressed. You might have green horses now but with every passing day they get less green. And you become a better rider and a better person. I truly believe that if you have it in you, you can go far with hard work, a good team, and a plan. We're going to find out if that's true the further and further I get with the boys!

Stay tuned, in a few days I will be posting an update on the ongoings of life at the barn. It's probably not going to be inspirational, and I don't think it's going to make you pee with laughter, but we're all due for a status check. :) Some great things are in the works/have already happened for team green ponies (that's us!).