If I said I wasn't at least a little vain in my thoughts for my horses I would be a liar. As much as looks don't matter, they do matter to me. I have never had the kind of money to spend on my horses as I would like, but if we're honest with each other, there's no amount of money in the world that would be enough when it comes to my horses. This month my vain thoughts were turned to body clipping.
I love my boys the way they are. But they're SO FUZZY I WANNA DIE! And not always in a good way. When you use your mane comb on your pony's body, your pony might be too fuzzy. When your pony sweats like we just did a 10 mile long cross country course on a 55 degree day standing in his stall, your pony might be too furry. When your pony has layers that are more obvious than the ones your stylist put in your own hair (HA, stylist! Who has the money?! Just go with it.), your pony might be too furry. When your pony starts shedding in January, your pony might be too furry. So aside from all the pony versions of Bill Engvall's "you might be a redneck" jokes, I had a few reasons to body clip other than vanity. Panda loses a lot of his charming features when his eye balls are set so deep in fur you can't see them.
Please don't get me wrong. I totally wanted him to look pretty too, but our workouts were getting him a lot sweatier than they should have considering the weather and him drying before it got cool outside really concerned me. I also would like to get some good practice in and perhaps make a little money before the dawn of this year's show season. So I took the plunge and bought some clippers last week. Clipping whiskers and facial hair is the extent of my knowledge. Apparently I know so little about clippers I even had them shipped to the wrong place. Yeah. Shout out to my mom who had nothing better to do on a Sunday than meet me halfway to deliver my new box of clippers (that had been sent to my parent's house) and a giant tub of beanie babies (hoping to jump on the get rich quick train).
Ok. So shipping fiasco aside we're still left with me. And clippers. Thank heaven for the internet. 3 hours and 5 tutorial videos later I was slightly more confident in my abilities but I still had to put these lessons to work.
Let me take a moment to pause here and rewind. Did I mention I know nothing about clippers? I hope the question you're asking yourself is something along the lines of "Which clippers did you buy?" Or "How did you know which clippers to buy?" Again, thank heaven for the internet, although my research fell ridiculously short of any higher education requirements. Price was a major factor (see above statements about me not being rich). Mainly I went on a few tack websites, looked at clippers in my price range, read the reviews and pushed "add to cart" on a nice looking Andis Super pro x horse balder 2 speed hi-res HD extra sharp, or something like that, that had a SPECIAL OFFER (can you see what the selling point might have been??) of a free clipper blade with purchase.
Lucky for me my horse clipper/coffee maker (or whatever else this thing does. It better do something else for the price I paid for it...) was featured in one of the YouTube videos I so religiously watched. What I did not take into account on almost all the vidoes is that they did not actually show the WHOLE clipping process. They did give me tips and tricks and a basic how to but they skipped a lot which I will tell you about shortly.
So finally I found some time on MLK day to de-hair Panda, my first guinea pig. I oiled up my bad boys, cross tied Panda close to an electrical outlet, made sure he was good with the clippers and went to work. First of all, kudos to my grey steed. He could care less about the clippers although the whole standing thing wasn't his idea of a fun afternoon. Long swipes against the hair. Check. Got it. OMG, someone sweep and sanitize the aisle, this crap needs to get donated to locks of love! Like, I knew he had long hair, but I didn't realize that you could have braided it. No wonder he was so hot! Made it through his shoulder, body, and behind before my clippers said "no friggin way" to his belly hair. At that point it was time for a break. And it's time for me to tell you the two major things I wish I had paid attention to/learned.
The first thing I paid no mind to was a few of the reviews on the Andis clipper. They said, "Not for yaks." And no, I wasn't thinking they meant legitimate hairy animals that are nothing like horses, I knew they meant super hairy horses. I didn't think that applied to me and my fine haired Thoroughbreds. But apparently panda was so hairy and the hair was so thick that when you ran your hand through it, the hair formed a layer that I thought was skin. So when I made my first swipe and wanted to donate to locks of love I was more than a little surprised to find that I indeed, had a yak.
The other thing I wish someone had told me (or perhaps I should've read the instructions or something. Ugh. Who needs those?) in my many tutorial videos, is how often to oil/clean the clippers. I was under the impression that you oil them and then go about your business until you're done and then clean them. Apparently for best results, stopping every few minutes to clean and oil the blades is like, a must. Who knew.
So between my yak and lack of clipper maintenance knowledge I had pretty much clogged the clippers with miles of long Panda hair. Don't get me wrong. I LOVE the clippers. The motor is working out just fine. It's just the blade doesn't agree with the not bathed, steel hair fibers of my adorable yak. Poor Panda had to take a little break half way through and get made fun of by the other ponies while I figured out how to clean the blade.
Then I went back to work. And the clippers were not so willing. I got Panda's neck and half of his stomach done before they were back to arguing with me and his hair. By that time it was chilly, dark, I was tired, Panda wanted to eat, and I could throw a blanket on him and no one could tell his hair was in a giant state of disarray.
BUT WAIT! The story doesn't end with me going back the next day and clipping him the rest of the way. NO! I had to find a new blade. My blade was shot. So in I meander to Tractor Supply looking for an Andis clipper blade. Would you imagine, they don't have them. GROWL! I can't let my poor pony be ugly for another week while I order the blade, get it mailed to the wrong location, and then find some time to pick it up and finish him. Luckily I saved the box which told me I could substitute the better known Oster brand blade for Andis blades. Phew! Panda was saved.
So the story ends with a giant outpouring of time and money and an even bigger learning curve. Panda doesn't look half bad if I do say so myself and luckily I body clipped him just in time for snow. You don't have to tell me. I'm the worst mommy ever. Stay tuned for a hopefully better story of Marvel's body clip. But first I have to get my blades sharpened and figure out how much hair I'm working with!
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