Game: Life - Mode: Zen - Level: 1

I am full to bursting with massive amounts of toxic anxiety. Until recently, it has defined the person I was. It seeped into every aspect of my life including work, relationships, and goals. Without knowing it, I allowed it to tell me who I was and how far I could go. If you've ever suffered from anxiety, it doesn't let you get very far.

The "what-ifs" pull at you, dragging you backwards, or at least holding you still, as you attempt to make any forward progress. As a kid, I let the anxiety tell me I wasn't great at playing basketball and I never could be, because I wasn't the coach's daughter. As a teenager I let it tell me that I could never win a horse show, and I was lucky just to finish, because my horse wasn't a Warmblood and only cost in the low 4 figures. As an adult, I let it suck me into terrible relationships, I let it make me give up on my dreams, and I let it lead me into a job that caused me to be a miserable person.

Recently I discovered that there is a non-narcissistic alternative to negative self-talk, and that is positive self-talk. Panda and I have been doing so well as a team, but I was scared to allow myself to think that it was anything other than the stars aligning, or the cards being in our favor. That never stopped me from working my butt off, but I have always been very hesitant to blame good things on myself.

This year has been a journey for me as far as bettering myself as a person. Slowly but surely, I believe I am on the road to personal success. I say personal success here for 2 reasons. The first is that everyone has their own version of success, and mine may not get the main stream stamp of approval, but that's not my desire. The second is that I have been chasing my parent's approval of success. Come to realize that I failed miserably at that the day I got kicked out of the BIMS program at A&M and realized I didn't have good enough grades to be a veterinarian (or, at that time, even a custodian).

Negative self talk is a serial killer. It haunts you, and stalks you, and never gives up until every last one of your goals and dreams lay dead or dying before you. It is a disease, where the only cure is personal strength, which is really hard to find in the sea of negativity you are used to swimming in. I have made small daily steps to, at the very least, swim toward my personal strength and stick a life jacket on it. This has been such a hard thing but it has been monumentally redefining in my life.

I have begun to recognize negativity in my life and cut it out completely. Whether it is people, TV shows, activities, whatever it is, it's got to go. That alone has made a massive difference in my life. Panda is at a new barn where we can focus on ourselves and not be presented with the opportunity to make excuses. I have surrounded myself with like-minded people and put myself in situations where I have the opportunity to learn, grow, make connections, and meet new people.

Another step I have taken is to start my own business, Warm Up Ring Bling. I have had plenty of good ideas in the past with no follow through. I have decided that whether this business makes me a million dollars or a single dollar, I will be more happy because I tried it than I would wondering what would happen if I tried. I have also not thrown a pity party that on day one I had no orders. I am exercising both patience and perseverance. I believe in my products and that people will want them. But I am not standing idly by. Marketing, marketing, marketing!

Panda modeling his ear bonnet for Warm Up Ring Bling's advertising!

I have also started a GoFundMe account that is very outside of my comfort zone. I am not normally one to ask for help, but I decided that why not? What do I have to lose? Literally NOT A THING! This allows me to share my story with tons of people across the internet, as well as allowing my extended and far away family to possibly be a part of this huge event in my life.

I am not sharing this to brag. Believe me, I have misgivings. Being a little bitty working student in College Station, TX, running a business on Facebook from my living room, riding my cheap horse in beginner novice, and bar tending on the weekends definitely doesn't have "rich and famous super star" written all over it. It kind of almost has, "next step; parent's basement" engraved deeply into it.

But that's the thing. Same life, different internal voice, and I kind of feel like maybe I'm getting somewhere. Maybe I'm finally doing the right thing. I'm happy. I have food on my plate, 3 animals that aren't hungry, clothes, a computer, an account on file at Dover, and today my truck even got an oil change! Well dang, that's looking pretty awesome to me!

I'm finding out that if you don't believe in yourself, no one else is going to. It's ok to be GOOD at things and it's ok that good things are your fault. If you don't make good decisions for yourself you may end up being used for all you've got to offer. Give. But also take. Take time for yourself; to tell yourself you're doing a good job, or encourage yourself to do better. As much as I like to preach about hard work, it's true! But it doesn't work without you believing in yourself. If you just randomly do a lot of hard work, you paint a barn but still can't ride a horse. Work hard at things that will improve yourself as a person and a rider.

Say thank you to compliments and don't make excuses about how it's all just luck. It isn't. Luck doesn't really exist. Believe me, I've wished on a lot of shooting stars, picked up a lot of pennies (heads and tails up), and had far too many black cats cross my path with mixed results to believe in it. Be positive. Be ready to take advantage of opportunities that are presented to you. Be ready to make changes. Remember, when one door closes, another door opens.